I’d like to find out if anyone else has this problem – when I have to pick up the phone and dial the number for British Gas, when I have to check my council tax records, when I have to take my lap top to PC World to be repaired, my soul curls up and weeps. It rocks itself in a corner with its hands over it’s ears, eyes tightly shut going ‘Not this. Not this. Not this…”
That might sound a bit melodramatic but I despite, loathe and inherently hate doing those things with every muster of my being – my body literally rejects the sight of an electricity bill, I’m sure my eyes just block it out to save my soul the damage. My kind eyes will place something far more calming instead in front of me, like a book about horror film villains or a plate full of cheese. Then my soul will lift it’s head up, sniff the air and smile, getting up from it’s corner and gazing into the pleasures and beauty of the world.
I know I’m not alone in hating bills, broken things, post office slips, insurance forms and anyone with the word ‘tele’ in their job title. They basically stand for a reminder that life is full of boring shit that needs to be done so that you can carry on doing the fun shit. But it’s the time factor. When I spend 15 minutes on the phone with a BT operator, I have lost my time on this insanely mundane and irreprehensible task of having to tell them my date of birth, security password, name of mother’s first goat blah blah fucking blah.
I am incredibly possessive over my time. Giving 15 minutes of it to Ed the chirpy Kiwi BT worker makes me angry because it reminds me that there isn’t a lot of this time. This earth won’t grant me long and being talked through the problems with my modem remind me that a certain percentage of our lives have to be dedicated to monotiny. It just has to.
So I have three options:
- Get super rich and pay someone to do those things for me while I’m busy having a torrid affair with an Argentinian soap star
- Marry a data processor who loves all things utility and is one of those unimaginable weirdos who keeps files of old bills for record
- Run away to live among field mice.
Any other recommendations welcome.