So I have recently moved to another conflict-affected country in Africa after quite a strange few months in South Sudan where let’s just say an injury put me out of action for a while. After recovering from said injury I am now doing a six month contract, again in a country in Africa, which let’s just say has been…difficult.
The reason it has been difficult is because the life here is quite restricted and I keep comparing it to a previous job where I was free to move around, met lovely, fun, giggling people and we had a rough, tumble approach to work. In contrast this current contract has felt a bit too formal, restricted, limited at times and it got me to thinking about myself and making decisions. The simple fact of the matter is that my choice has been all the harder to deal with because I chose it, I brought this onto myself, there is no two ways about it. This has led to incessant doubts in myself and even anger at myself at the thought that I chose money and prestige over a job where I had more in common with those around me.
Of course it is not that simple, other factors are at play here but the important point is that what felt right a couple of months ago is something I have recently been calling into question a lot. Can I live with myself if I have made a wrong decision? Yes of course and nothing is permanent, this is a six month contract and after that I can go back to the type of work I enjoyed before. Also things change, people change, even if I go back to that work I was doing before, the people might not be the same, different challenges might be there. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I am still struggling, after so long, to find that happiness in me and I am still searching for it from outside. I have not been remotely able, in the last few weeks, to find that happiness in me and it is only now that I’m even remembering what that feels like. If we always depend on what is around us we are bound to be disappointed, as I have been in the last couple of weeks especially when I arrived here, bitterly disappointed. Of course it’s natural to an extent but I am now remembering that there are things I can be happy with, that I still have those lovely friends in my life, that this is a short, learning experience that will make me stronger, that there are funny, lovely people here as well, that I am here for a reason, there were some personal things that I needed to work on that would have been difficult in the previous place. And most importantly that I can choose how I feel and how I react to things. It is so easy for me to be complaining and upset, so much harder to choose to accept it and smile for what it is.
Not the most coherent blog post, I will admit – but what can I do when it’s been a year or so since my last post?! Explosive Chutney is still there, she is just taking some time to get back to her explosive self.